Thursday 14 February 2013

My window seat


After a long wait, nearly 3 years, I’ve finally managed to get a window seat at my workplace. It is a beautiful spot to be in; especially when you would like to be left alone for any reason. I am with people, and yet, in the truest sense, I have a niche of my own. My seat is such that my back faces the window. But a single side glance is enough for me to watch the traffic; the day turning to night; huge edifices, some occupied, others waiting to be occupied.

All the things I see, send some thought or the other; few do I process, fewer do I think about and only one in a zillion thoughts do I nurture and linger on with and then write about.

My favourite part of the day by the window is the transitional period, which is not for more than 5 mins, when the afternoon sun pulls on the veil of a bride, to come forward into a beautiful evening. It’s so slow, gradual, without haste, almost divine. If you follow the transformation second by second, you will notice that there is “change” happening. What? I can’t pin-point exactly the nuances.

Today, I saw the Sun going back to its’ rest. Very slowly. There was this huge cloud that unknowingly yet authoritatively came along. Not fast, not rushing. Only gently. The Sun looked perturbed; almost dejected. Even though it was setting, it wanted to compete with this vagabond cloud which tried to overpower without warning. The sombre Sun suddenly grew brighter. It reminded me of the candle that grows brighter before diminishing forever; as if fighting a battle; or rather to make a point.

The cloud was lousy; not in mood to fight. It just kept drifting, paving a smooth way for itself. It was so sure of winning, this time.

The cloud had attacked the Sun at the Sun’s weakest.

But our ol’ Sun was not to give up easily. It used its’ rays like scissors and cut through the cloud’s weak patches and still shone. Bright, mind you.

And yet the cloud continued without a flinch.

The rays were so strong, so beautiful. Any skilled, passionate tailor would wish for a fabric of these rays. Imagine running your finger on a fabric of soft rays.

In such beautiful moments, when I am at work, and sometimes distracted, I manage to catch a glimpse or two of such a sight, it makes me feel stronger that there is a God. Every loving, ever growing, ever friendly. Just there, making his presence felt in small ways and sometimes in such loud ways like piercing through the clouds. And yet, his watcher is busy watching the man-made rays of the computer screen.

This tussle stays not for long. Eventually, the sun realises that the cloud was God-sent. Just to make the scorching day a bit pleasant for all His beings. The Sun takes a bow, in the most graceful way possible and makes way for the cloud, humbled.

Wednesday 2 November 2011

Watercooler Tidbits 2nd Nov 2011 - Sahib, Bibi aur Ghulam


Some events that happen almost feel random and out of place. Even if you want to justify such occurrences with a “lesson-learnt” or “karmic cycle reason”, they still don’t make sense enough for one to “feel at home” or feel complacent. These events are normally very small, almost negligent, in all respects, whether duration, after effects and even impact. But the brain remembers it so well. As if, “it meant a lot”. As if, there was some learning which wasn’t assimilated. But, what?

On the contrary, the “big events” make the drama of one’s life and everything good or bad, is somehow or the other “made to associate” with. The brain commendably, links memories so tactfully that the poor thinker is never out of the vicious circle of “thinking”. That gives most of us, our favorite pass time, especially for certain people (which includes me) who otherwise don’t fancy a hobby or a skill. But those small events, those really puny moments, I don’t get those. I don’t know why they stick. You try not to think about them and inadvertently you are already thinking about them. That brings us to question if there is any real meditation possible on Earth. In the purest and truest sense? I say yes, not because I have experienced or rather embodied it, but for the simple reason (and fact) that if there is copious amount of literature documented about it, there has to be some truth in it.

This makes me wonder if anything documented, stemmed from truth. Will it be possible to trace the truth? Ever? Think about the Mahabharata, for instance. How would one find out the truth behind or in it? For now, I rely only on my conviction, which somehow never deceives me, until yesterday, when it decided to take me on a jolly good ride. The belief system I held (and I think I still hold the same) was challenged and ushered me to a place of complete discomfort where nothing I saw was known.

How did I land myself in such a situation, I keep thinking in amusement! It wasn’t so hard actually. I just watched one of Guru Dutt’s classics, “Sahib, Bibi aur Ghulam”, which is otherwise a documented story. Yes, it’s “Bibi” and not “Biwi” as most Hindi watchdogs would advocate. Guru Dutt was known to be an unorthodox movie maker. He experimented with almost every aspect of cinematography. Unfortunately, most of his movies received their due only after his death, long after, the cinema fraternity actually “matured”. If one has watched any of his movies, one can see evidently, the stark contrast. But of course, every movie has its own standing and comparisons or “reviewing a movie”, is not where I mean to go. Nevertheless, reading the wiki page of Guru Dutt is recommended.

“Sahib, Bibi aur Ghulam” is about as the same suggests, about an employee (somehow using “servant” seems devoid of empathy, although correct) named Bhoothnath and his wealthy employers, the Chaudhuri couple. The role of Bhoothnath is played by Guru Dutt himself. Rehman plays the role of “Chote sarkar” and Meena Kumari plays “Choti Bahu”. We have Waheeda Rehman play the role of Bhoothnath’s wife, Jabha.
The backdrop is that of a British-ruled India’s “Calcutta”, the society torn apart by strong dogmas. Wealthy Zamindaars cheat the poor off their land, rendering the latter to be completely at the mercy of the former. The wealthy and the rich competing amongst. Different factions of rebels and freedom-fighters waging their own wars against the British Raj.

The state of women, in every sense and every spectrum of that society, was sad. The best a woman could do was to get married to a wealthy man and save herself from falling into the dungeons of filth. If lady luck smiled on her, her husband would wander “less beseeching love”.

The drama begins with Boothnath’s entry into the scintillating palace of the Chaudhuri’s. He finds shelter here and gets a job at the Mohini Sindoor Karkhana. The company makes vermillion powder, “which when smeared on the forehead by married women, made their wishes come true”. Why would this be worth mentioning? Well that would unfold in a bit. Boothnath meets Jabha (the company owner’s daughter) here and I’m not sure if it was love for him. She surely, fell for him after a few tiffs.

The first 30mins are lavishly spent on beautifully carving the background for the aftermath; the audience is left to wonder if there are any Sahib and Bibi, at all. But once the page turns, the importance of building that mindset is understood. Impeccable style of the director, Abrar Alvi.

Chote Sarkar normally returns home sloshed and is helped to his room by his personal attendant, Bansi. His wife, Choti Bahu who comes from a rather poor family, has been well indoctrinated to believe that her life is useless because of the lack of love/ attention from her husband. She decides to use Mohini Sindoor with the hope that she may be able to “free her husband” from the shackles his illegitimate lover. Thus, she approaches Boothnath, with some help from Bansi.

The first show of Meena Kumari, decked up from head to toe, brings awe not only in Boothnath but also in the audience, rendering both speechless. She looks gorgeous, even in the black and white print of the movie. Thus builds up a strange relationship of respect, admiration and slight ownership for Boothnath. He cares for his mistress more than Jabha, who he “thinks” he loves. Every wish of Choti Bahu, would be taken as his command.

To please and lure her husband to be with her, Choti Bahu decides to have alcohol, which grows into a habit and leaves her own on her death bed. She tells Boothnath to get her a bottle which he refuses at first, but then gives in to the pressure.

Change of job and strangeness of events in Boothnath’s life, make him go away for a while to another city. When he returns, the once, most-talked-of, beautiful palace he had seen, vanishes in thin air to house a grotesque structure. The times had changed. The people once smitten by the wealth of the Chaudhuris’ had turned their backs and gone looking for better pastures.

Chote Sarkar was now bed-ridden and Choti Bahu was still an alcoholic. Her state was pitiful and yet she looked lured by the false hopes. She asks Boothnath to help her find a certain sage who could cure her husband, which Boothnath readily agrees to.

They take a carriage one night, when her brother-in-law sees them both and thinks that they have an illicit association. He orders his henchmen to kill Choti Bahu. On the way to the sage, Choti Bahu tells Boothnath her last wish; to dress her up like Goddess Laxmi when she dies and smear lot of Sindoor on her forehead, before the last rites. Just then, the henchmen stop the carriage, beat up Boothnath and kill Choti Bahu.

Several years later, Boothnath, now married to Jabha, returns to the fortress, only to find the skull and bones of his Choti Bahu.

Most songs in the movie are quite popular even today. But the only one that really struck me was “Piya aiso jiya mein …”. This song amplifies the veil of illusion that Choti Bahu draws over herself to make her believe that she shared a loving relationship with her husband. It’s an unhappy outcry of sadness.

It is indeed a tragic story, certainly not recommended for the faint-mind.

On hindsight, all I remember is a woman’s angst for her husband, for his attention and love, well portrayed by Meena Kumari. She struggles till the end. Boothnath is a person who thinks he loves a girl (Jabha) but cares and literally owns his Choti Bahu. He has a love for her which is not intimate in nature, but the kind which brings about a maturity, immense respect and profound sense of understanding.

He sees Choti Bahu not as an attractive, good-looking, wealthy woman, but more like a woman who in struggling in her own world of DOs and DON’Ts; trying out ways to “win her husband”. Does our society understand such relationships? Is it mature enough to let be a man and a woman, without naming the relationship? Well, we need to see who makes the society; which is we. So can we, individually, think of a bent of mind which sees everyone with respect? Or are “they” all the centre of our gossip and jokes?

The relationship between Choti Bahu and Bhoothnath is certainly beyond the understanding of an average person. Our paradigms are made so well and fool-proof that we falter even when we have to imagine a loop-hole. Also, when some of us see the loop-holes so clearly, we choose not to speak because of the fear of being the odd-one-out. We have a hard time accepting opinions which don’t match with ours, thus alienating “the maverick”.

Boothnath was very much human and thus his expectations burgeoned without even his knowledge. He had a sense of ownership towards his mistress which didn’t do well for him. But on thinking deeper, the ownership is not like the one most relationships boast of, where possessiveness sprouts and relatively suffocates either of the parties. This ownership just wanted the well-being of his mistress, at all times. It was like an expectation which had no grounds but was there because of the innocence of the character who thought that his authority would bring her back to her sense.

When one hears the title of the movie, undoubtedly, the mind conjures a story where the “Bibi” and “Ghulam” have an illicit relation. Once again, the thought of meditation needs more assessing and questioning. Why? Because, when we can’t move away from our pedagogies, how can we even think of moving beyond them and embody a self, mature enough to meditate.

It is strongly recommended that the one watching this movie should make an attempt to think, rationalize and ponder on the issues touched by the movie. “Some issues may not hold true today”, one may say, but I strongly suggest, you think closer and contemplate if the issue exists no more. If the contemplation brings one in conflict with oneself, there surely is some “healing” required.

Wednesday 19 October 2011

Watercooler Tidbits 19th Oct 2011 - Gandhis’ and prejudices


It’s been two days since I have had no work. The idle mind has these sudden bouts of work-hunger. I don’t know what to do. Somehow, things seem to be moving slow. I resort to writing now because I have been reading quite a bit since yesterday. What I read was probably one of the main reasons which compelled me to write. 

It all began with an article on Rahul Gandhi making rounds on the FB. It accuses him of allegedly raping a girl and keeping her and her family in captivity for several days. How far it is true, is something worth investigating. Like the chemical organic reactions, one article led to another. I further went on to read a bit more about his background. After reading a bit more, I found him quite a dull personality, almost a misfit in the “Gandhi-Nehru dynasty”. At a certain parliament session, someone in the newspaper remarked that he lacked the confidence and the commanding tone, expected of an offspring of this dynasty. May be, I am expecting too much. Why should a child be like his parents? So much of pressure on the poor chap, a billion pair of eyes banking on him, to get a high from anything good or bad uttered.

I further read about one of the politicians who could make me turn my head. Indira Gandhi. The contents on the web are copious and there’s only one line in which I could describe the lady. “You can hate, you can love her. But you just can’t ignore her.” I wouldn’t want to be very vocal about my opinions about her. Although, I would like to mention that she is someone I like and admire. From what I read, she came across like an extremely dominating personality but with her own set of insecurities. It seemed, from the material that I read, that she saw her insecurities evidently but put up an extremely strong front to the public, so much so, that most people who hate her, are in reality, somewhere, envious, I guess. Reading about her, makes one look at the self. How is she different from any other person around?

She is accused and uttered profanities, at for the Emergency she had declared on the State. I wasn’t born then, but given a chance, would have liked to experience what it means to have an unquestionable, almost autocratic rule in the country where most civil rights are revoked. Khushwant Singh, a known, maverick author, is one who still supports Indira Gandhi’s decision to declare the Emergency. He supports his case well, with chosen words. He mentioned how the turn of events of Operation BlueStar was a shock to Ms.Gandhi, as well. But to be open to a different set of probabilities with a blindfold (of any faction) on is not something that would help one to think further on the subject.

Further, I read about Feroze Gandhi; better known as Indira Gandhi’s husband. Reading about him was a complete pleasure. From the material I read, he seemed to be a courageous man who had the spine to stand against Jawaharlal Nehru, his father-in-law, thus jeopardizing his personal life. He was almost abandoned by the Parsi community for trying to nationalise the Tata group since it had reached a monopoly in the country. A simple wiki page on the man, not many words and no high drama, but words enough to point out the actions worth remembering, such is his story.

After reading about all the Gandhis’, aforementioned, reading further about Mahatma Gandhi could only, in a way, complete the circle. It was shocking to learn that the Mahatma at one time did nurse feelings of a fanatic racist against the Blacks, whom he openly, referred to as “Kaffirs”. The imprisonment in South Africa though, brought about a change in the person behind the persona. He turned rather sensitive to all sentient beings. Many people have criticized him for not proactively “saving the lives of Bhagat Singh, Rajguru and Sahdev”. Until today, I had known the same fact. But truth or knowledge (or do we call it Wiki-truth?), comes to those who seek it and I was destined to be of different opinions, as of this day. He did try “commutating the death sentence given to the trio.” I had always respected the Mahatma and the revelation increased my respect further. Many factions still think he should have probably tried to avert their death sentence. But somehow, the consideration that the trio belonged to a different school of thoughts (“Freedom through violence and by force”), contrary to that of the Mahatma, is never taken into account, in spite of which, the Mahatma had put in efforts to reduce or alter their death sentences. On one side, they hate the Mahatma “for promoting himself as the Hero” and on the other, they still expected him to be “the Saviour”. All the weblogs and articles I have read about him are in entirety, just people’s interpretations, which are indeed, biased at most times. Thus, my perceptions, since are based on these facts, are not all first-hand.

This makes me smile, in wonderment.

I don’t know why I chose this “path” to read about the Gandhis’. But I do realise, that I have grown a bit to have a sort of discernment of my own. I see now how I segregate people’s personal life and public life. I think the reading was important, for me as a being. I needed to look at how the facts, true or false, bring about a reaction in me, how they make me feel and what is that in me, that got offended or complimented.

A witty quote of Einstein’s says, “Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.” I ponder on this, self-contemplating and further trying to figure out about where I stand as of now.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

Watercooler Tidbits 4th Oct 2011

Continuing from where I left, yesterday; I mean, the writing, not the contemplation. The latter sticks and grows on me now, bound to me, becoming a "hobby" I indulge in. I don't mean analysis. I mean looking and observing the ways in which I behave.



Just to be entertained for some time, I walked to the water-cooler today. Refilling my bottle was the pretext, of course. There was a group of newly joined employees; we like to them "Freshers". The talks bubbled with energy. They discussed about Pune dust and traffic, the evening hang-out and then the appraisal cycles and their managers. Some had a very chirpy way of addressing their "problems" as they call them. While other, chose to literally, drag every word they pronounced and made the issue sound like the most melodramatic epilogues to a Shakespearean poems. To each his own. I respect that. But I kept wondering about the variety of ways we approach a situation. We give so much of importance to a "promotion" or "appraisal" which means, almost nothing, outside the perimeter of the bureau. The sentence, I just formulated, made me laugh, on reading it.



Well, the water-cooler for me, right now is one of the best places to be. I get to see the behaviours that other have, in me. I literally identify myself. Sometimes, judging and other times, criticizing. The former stands like an undying love while the latter is like the joker that makes me laugh.



Today's highlights weren't the Freshers. They were actually, a couple of experience folks, discussing their chances, for an onsite. Well, the onsite, for most of us, is a big door of opportunities which we try to cash every single bit. And, every person has his or her own reasons for an onsite. All well-justified reasons.



The protocol is not to reveal names. So, Guy1 (less experienced), Guy2 ("been there, done that") and Guy3 (“Onsite, not again!”) are my best picks.


Guy1 - "I think I will tell my manager to initiate my visa. I need to travel."

Guy2 - "That's good. You should. I remember my days of struggle."

Guy1 - "Oh! Then you could help me with a few suggestions."


Guy2's accent had not changed. From Hindi, he switched to English. He pulled and stretched every word, rolling the "R"s and using more of "Well, you know..."


Guy2 - "It's all about "selling" yourself."

Guy1 - "What??? How do I..."


Guy2 puts out a "been there, done that" huff and puff.



Guy2 - "Dude! I don't mean that. We are all in a corporate world. We deal with all these big people and we need to make our presence felt. Else they will not consider you. You need to let them know what you have. Tell your manager that my aspirations are ... Use catchy words like "long term plan", "career roadmap", "resource re-vamp", "insurgence of new technology in the market", "client satisfaction", "customer handling" etc." blah blah blah


Guy1 - "Dude, you rock! Boy! I'm so glad I spoke to you."


Accent engraved in every single consonant and vowel this time.


Guy2 - "Sure man! You'll do it. Barge into the cabin confidently and grab what belongs to you."

Guy1 - "How is it at onsite?"

Guy2 - "Boy! It is amazing. We do like real fun things. And I mean, REAL FUN THINGS. I stayed there for like, good 6 months and understood the "client expectations" and got a "good opportunity to polish my managerial skills". It felt after all, I had reached a place, I belonged to."


Guy1 receives a call and excuses himself. Enter, Guy3.


Guy2 - "Hey Guy3, wasssssup man?

Guy3 - "Dude! I think I may have to travel again for a few days. They have a resource crunch out there. Damn it! Hey you wanna give it a shot? Again?"

Guy2 - "Naah! Six months were good for me, with all that work pressure and those ranting folks. May be after a year."


Guy1 returns.


Guy1 - "Hey Guy2, can we continue from where we left?"

Guy2 - "Sure man!"


Sadly for me, I was caught red-handed listening to the interesting conversation, because I foolishly laughed.


I have a few sincere friends, fortunately for me, who have shown the real picture of the coveted onsite. I want it, but I am not sure if I am ready for the entire package. Yet.


And hey, dear Managers, if you are reading this, I am kind of open to all those jargons mentioned above. Really!


TO BE CONTINUED


Watercooler Tidbits 3rd Oct 2011


"Man is a social animal" is what I have been taught since the time, I don't remember anymore. So what exactly does this statement mean. What I understand from this is that, one, Man is after all, an animal, thus savage and two, he "needs" a society with certain dogmas to lead a "normal" life. "Need" and "normal" are so relative but I don't intend to delve into those perspectives.



So, we agree, that Man is an animal and he's social. Somehow the "animal" part got me thinking more. I take a tangent now, knowingly. I think men are categorized as animals because there is some part within us which is never at peace. Obvious questions, not at peace with what, which part, why, how. Not at peace with the present state of affairs. Which part? I personally believe it's the mind but somewhere that answer does not satiate. Well, I see how I just embodied "not at peace with the present state of affairs". How, is a million dollar question which I can't answer. Why, because the mind, by our present reality, is so well trained to look into the future that the future always looks better and more promising than the present.



Anyways, a deeper thought into the discontentment, previously discussed, somehow made me think about the behaviour patterns we endorse now. Our inferiority complex, our insecurities, our jealousy! These are the outcomes of "something", "which WE THINK, we lack". The "something" which is the causal, is a Pandora's box. It is worth every nano-second to explore it, but it requires one to just "be", that is to say, it requires contemplation; which I think is the most difficult task, for me, as of now, because I prefer "the jazz" to "the silence".



Furthermore, these thoughts, very well, propel our body to have disorders, in ways, we may not like to look at. For example, eating, sleeping disorders. Well, gossip is also a disorder. How? We feed an "empty bowl" (which only FEELS empty) with the tidbits. At this point of time, I have a million questions to ask. Why, how, when. Although I just know the answers, and have not "felt" them, I shall not "papa preach".



So, gossip stays for now, as the best, cheapest form of entertainment for most of us. May be because an old adage brainwashed us to believe that "knowledge is power". If you are working for a modularised bureau, then canteen, the next cubicle or the water-cooler are the best places you would find a cue to pacify that sudden rush of "knowing" which is also called "vampire-feeding" or better yet, gossiping, for us, laymen.



A few days back, I went to the water-cooler bay, which has huge windows, in our office, to bask in a bit of sunlight, since I felt too cold because of the air-coolers. It was nice and silent. I could hear only the sound of the water-drops from the water-cooler. I stood at the window, which was tinted and showed my reflection in a bluish hue. Suddenly, two women rush there and seat themselves on the bean bags. To maintain anonymity “to respect the privacy”, let’s call them Lady1 and Lady2. The ladies begin their talk with a few giggles. They were married, I assumed, from their discussion on husbands to cooking in the morning. After a hush-hush talk on "something", they talk about their mother-in-laws.



Lady1 - "My mother-in-law is an amazing woman. She did... for us, she maintains a decorum at home. My father-in-law consults my mother-in-law on almost all matters."

Lady2 - "My mother-in-law is the most jovial lady you'll find. She cracks jokes at the drop of a hat. We are so happy when our mother-in-law is here."

Lady1 - "That is amazing. How come she is so humorous? She must have had a great life."

Lady2 - "Oh yes, she laughs at anything and everything, anyone and everyone. She is such a happy person."

Lady1 - "Wow! So when is she going to come next, to see you?"

Lady2 - "Well, that's the thing. She is coming next week" {with a grimace}

Lady1 - "So? Aren't you happy?"

Lady2 - "I am. But you know it is kind of tough for me to handle her sometimes. She instructs me to do everything her way."

Lady1 - "Oh yeah! I know what you mean."

Lady2 - "No you don't. She gets irritating and then I have a string of fights with my husband. Why can't she let me just be? Why does she have to laugh at me? Every time!"

Lady1 - "But isn't that good... she is humorous, right?"

Lady2 - "Oh come on, is that really humour, when I am asked as to why my husband should heat the milk in the morning while I get the clothes ready."

Lady1 – “My mother-in-law is the same. She cribs about almost everything about me. Including the food I eat.”

Lady2 – “Hell! One shouldn’t marry!”

Lady1 – “Yes, but you know we HAVE TO.”

Lady2 – “I know...”



Blah, blah, blah...



Marriage is a big, big question. To add to the “solved-mystery”, how difficult it is to accept a whole bunch of new relations though marriage, for both men and women. And tolerate or rather succumb to the “get-togethers”. Then, this had me wondering if I can genuinely, ever appreciate anyone. If I do, do I criticize them, after a while.



To be continued...




Thursday 8 September 2011

The story of the Red Nail Paint

The place I was born was as unknown then
As it is now to me,
You ask "So why do you decide to pen"
"If you don't know this, silly ?"
But what would I do if my mommy,
Herself had no clue.
She left me in this place named Tommy,
Hilfiger known by few!


Picked, dumped, dazzled, hassled,
Every time, opened eyes to see myself shackled
Sometimes saw no light for days,
Does the Sun really have rays?


By big glassy windows was I kept,
Laying there like a vegetable inept.
Ladies, young and clad-young, walked by,
And I kept wondering why that "Sigh".


Some thither and gave me a look, so close
At times was conscious and other times got a marijuana dose!
The good days were not to be forever, I learnt,
The separation from the counter girl, my heart burnt.


Again packed, wrapped, thrown and sacked,
Drifted in a gush, so strong, compassion lacked.
The new place had no window, no velvet to lay,
A box so cold and plastic, that I even heard a donkey bray!


As days passed, I got sure, I was here now for eternity,
Like others in the box, old, brazened, of my fraternity.


And then one day they hopped along,
Just chirpy and bubbly, like a Scottish song.
They picked me over the others and saw how I performed,
"Oh take me home, please take me now, I am perfect, not deformed."


Prayers heard at last, I was somewhere I could call home,
She was lanky, tardy and sometimes even wore dresses Chrome!
Nevertheless, I was her first and I loved it that way,
Clueless! She gave me looks but had nothing to say.


The gong had struck and she picked me to play with,
I would finally know who I am, surrendering to no myth.
When on her nails finally, my past didn't matter,
Now sunken in my truth, no change of seasons, me deter.

Thursday 18 August 2011